Recognising Domestic Abuse in Young Adult Relationships

Why Young Adults Are Particularly Affected

Domestic abuse is not primarily something that happens to older women in long marriages. It affects people of all ages, genders, and relationship types, and young adults aged 16 to 24 experience some of the highest rates of partner abuse of any age group. Research consistently finds that first relationships set patterns, and that abusive relationships in early adulthood are associated with increased risk of abuse in subsequent relationships if the first one is not recognised and left.

Understanding what domestic abuse actually looks like in young adult relationships is genuinely important. The version in many people's mental model, a physically violent husband, a beaten wife, does not describe the majority of abusive relationships in this age group, and that gap between the mental model and reality is one reason why so many young people do not identify their own experiences as abuse even when they match every criterion.

What Domestic Abuse Actually Includes

The legal definition of domestic abuse in England and Wales, established by the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, is broader than physical violence and includes emotional abuse, coercive or controlling behaviour, economic abuse, psychological abuse, and threats. You do not have to have been hit to have experienced domestic abuse.

Coercive control is one of the most significant forms of abuse affecting young adults and one of the least recognised. It involves a pattern of behaviour designed to control, subordinate, and isolate: monitoring your whereabouts and communications, controlling who you can see, dictating what you wear or eat, undermining your confidence and sense of self, using threats (not necessarily of physical violence) to maintain compliance, and creating a relationship in which your own needs and preferences become progressively less relevant.

Coercive control is now a specific criminal offence in England and Wales. It is often more damaging than physical violence because it is sustained, it targets identity and autonomy, and it is less visible to outsiders. People in coercively controlling relationships frequently do not identify their experience as abuse because there are no bruises, because the controller presents their behaviour as care or love, and because the gradual nature of the process makes it difficult to identify a clear turning point.

Economic abuse involves controlling or undermining financial independence: preventing access to money, sabotaging employment, accumulating debt in a partner's name, or demanding financial account and control. Young adults who are financially less established are particularly vulnerable to this form of abuse.

Why People Stay and Why That Is Understandable

The most common question asked about people in abusive relationships is why they do not leave. The question reflects a significant misunderstanding of how abusive relationships work. The answer is always complex, and always makes sense in context.

Abusive relationships begin with a period of genuine warmth, affection, and intensity. The person you fell for is real, and the hope that they will return to being that person persists throughout the abuse. Leaving means giving up not just the current reality but the person and the relationship you believed you had.

Abusive partners typically undermine the victim's self-confidence and sense of reality over time, making them less certain that their perception of events is accurate and more dependent on the abuser's interpretation. The question "am I overreacting?" is one that many abuse victims ask themselves constantly, because they have been told repeatedly that they are.

Fear is a significant factor in many abusive relationships. Leaving is statistically the most dangerous time for domestic abuse victims. The risk of escalation, including serious violence, is highest at the point of separation and immediately afterwards. This is not a reason to stay, but it is a reason to leave with a plan and with support rather than impulsively.

Recognising the Signs in Your Own Relationship

Some questions worth reflecting on: Do you feel you are walking on eggshells in terms of managing your partner's moods? Do you find yourself apologising for things that do not feel like your fault? Have you gradually seen less of your friends and family since being with this person? Do you feel afraid of your partner's reaction to ordinary disagreements? Do you feel your sense of self has diminished since being in this relationship? Do you feel controlled in terms of how you dress, who you talk to, or where you go?

If several of these resonate, it does not automatically mean you are in an abusive relationship. But it does mean the relationship warrants honest examination, ideally with the support of someone outside it who can offer a perspective unclouded by the relationship's emotional intensity.

Getting Help and Leaving Safely

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is available 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. Calls are free from landlines and most mobile networks and do not appear on most phone bills (though check your own provider). The helpline can provide safety planning advice, information about local services, and support with next steps regardless of where you are in your process of recognising and responding to abuse.

If you are thinking about leaving, a safety plan significantly reduces risk. Identifying where you can go, arranging to have important documents (passport, bank cards, phone charger, medication) accessible, having a trusted person who knows your situation and can respond quickly if needed, and knowing the number and location of local domestic abuse services all form part of a safety plan. Refuge and Women's Aid can help you create one.

If you are supporting a friend who you believe is in an abusive relationship, maintain the friendship without ultimatums. People leave abusive relationships in their own time and on their own timeline, and being a consistent, non-judgmental presence is more useful than pressure to leave immediately. Make clear what you have observed, express that you are concerned, and make sure they know you are there whenever they are ready. Knowing someone is in their corner is often what enables someone to eventually make the decision to leave.