Understanding Self-Harm in Teenagers: A Guide for Parents and Carers

What Self-Harm Is and Is Not

Self-harm is behaviour that involves deliberately hurting the body, most commonly through cutting, burning, hitting, or scratching the skin. It is not the same as a suicide attempt, though it is sometimes confused with one. Most young people who self-harm are not trying to end their lives. They are trying to manage overwhelming emotional pain, and have found that physical pain provides temporary relief from feelings they do not know how to handle in other ways.

Understanding this distinction is the foundation of responding helpfully. Self-harm is a coping mechanism, albeit a harmful one. It signals that a young person is experiencing significant distress. The behaviour itself is the symptom; the underlying emotional pain is what needs attention.

Why Young People Self-Harm

Self-harm typically serves a function for the person who does it. Common reasons include releasing unbearable emotional tension, feeling something physical when emotionally numb, punishing themselves for feelings of shame or guilt, regaining a sense of control when life feels uncontrollable, and communicating distress that they cannot express in words.

The relief that self-harm provides is real and immediate, which is what makes it so difficult to stop without adequate support and alternative coping strategies. The behaviour tends to escalate over time as more is needed to achieve the same effect, which is one reason why early intervention matters significantly.

Self-harm is more common in adolescence than many parents realise. UK mental health charity Mind estimates that around one in six young people between the ages of 11 and 16 have self-harmed at some point, with rates highest among teenage girls though by no means exclusive to them. It is associated with, but not limited to, experiences of abuse, bullying, bereavement, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and identity-related distress.

Discovering That Your Child Is Self-Harming

Finding out that your child has been self-harming is one of the most frightening discoveries a parent can make. The immediate emotional reactions of shock, fear, guilt, and anger are entirely understandable. What you do with those reactions in the next few minutes and hours matters enormously for what happens next.

Do not react with anger, punishment, or expressions of disgust at the injuries. These responses, even when they come from fear and love, teach a young person that their distress is dangerous to share with you. They will hide it more carefully in future, removing the opportunity for you to help.

Try to stay calm. You do not have to have all the right words. What matters most is that your child can see that you are not going to fall apart, that you love them, and that you want to understand rather than to fix or punish. Simply saying, I can see you've been hurting yourself. I'm not angry. I'm worried about you and I want to understand can open a conversation that punishment never could.

How to Have the Conversation

Once initial shock has passed, a proper conversation is needed. Choose a time when you are both calm and have privacy. Invite rather than demand: I'd really like to talk about what's been going on for you. Would you be able to tell me a bit about how you've been feeling?

Listen more than you speak. Resist the urge to problem-solve before your child has fully expressed what they are experiencing. Avoid statements that minimise, such as you have so much to be grateful for, or that shame, such as how could you do this to yourself. Instead, reflect back what you are hearing: it sounds like things have been really hard. Can you tell me more about that?

Ask directly about suicide risk. Asking directly does not plant the idea. Research consistently shows the opposite: people are relieved to be asked. Are you having any thoughts of ending your life? If the answer is yes, take it seriously immediately and contact crisis support or emergency services.

Getting the Right Help

Self-harm in young people should always be assessed by a mental health professional. Your GP is the first port of call and can refer to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). If access through CAMHS feels slow, charities including YoungMinds, Kooth, and Place2Be offer additional support while waiting.

For immediate support, your child can contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24 hours), Childline on 0800 1111, or text SHOUT to 85258 for text-based crisis support. If injuries from self-harm require medical attention, seek this without delay and without shame. A&E staff are trained to respond to self-harm without judgement.

Supporting Your Child Through Recovery

Recovery from self-harm is rarely linear. There will be setbacks. What sustains progress is the quality of the relationship between a young person and the people supporting them. Staying connected, not withdrawing in fear of saying the wrong thing, and continuing to be interested in your child's inner life and daily experience all matter.

Learn about distraction and alternative coping strategies that mental health professionals recommend, including holding ice, snapping a rubber band, drawing on skin, intense exercise, and breathing techniques. These do not replace professional treatment but can be part of a toolkit that gives a young person options other than self-harm in moments of acute distress.

Look after yourself too. Parents who discover their child is self-harming often experience significant anxiety, guilt, and grief. Speaking to your own GP, or to a support service for parents such as YoungMinds' Parents Helpline on 0808 802 5544, can help you sustain the support your child needs.