When Your Child Is the Bully: What Parents Need to Do

The Call No Parent Wants to Receive

When a school contacts you to say that your child has been bullying another child, the emotional response can be overwhelming. Shock, denial, anger, guilt, shame. These are all natural reactions. Your instinct may be to defend your child, to insist there has been a misunderstanding, or to minimise the behaviour. That instinct is understandable. But acting on it will not help your child.

The truth is that children who bully need help just as much as children who are bullied. Bullying behaviour is a signal that something is not right, and addressing it early gives your child the best chance of developing into someone who treats others with respect. Ignoring, excusing, or punishing without understanding will not achieve that outcome.

This guide is not about labelling your child as a bad person. It is about understanding why the behaviour is happening and what you can do to change its course.

Why Children Bully

Power and Status

Some children bully because it gives them social power. Being the person who controls who is 'in' and who is 'out', who gets mocked and who is protected, can feel powerful, especially for a child who feels powerless in other areas of their life. This dynamic is particularly common in the middle school years when social hierarchies are forming and shifting constantly.

Modelling What They See

Children learn how to treat others by watching the adults around them. If a child witnesses aggressive, controlling, or dismissive behaviour at home, in extended family, or in media they consume, they may replicate those patterns with peers. This does not mean that every parent of a child who bullies is abusive, but it does mean examining what behaviours your child is exposed to.

Emotional Difficulties

Children who are struggling with anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, trauma, or difficulties at home may express that pain through aggression towards others. Bullying can be an outward expression of inner distress. A child who is being bullied in one context may bully others in a different one, sometimes called the bully-victim cycle.

Lack of Empathy Skills

Empathy is not automatic. It develops over childhood and is strongly influenced by how much it is modelled and taught. Some children genuinely do not understand the impact of their behaviour on others. This is not because they are incapable of empathy, but because the skill has not been sufficiently developed.

Peer Dynamics

Sometimes children participate in bullying because their friend group expects it. They may not be the instigator but they laugh along, share the hurtful message, or join in excluding someone because they fear becoming a target themselves. This follower behaviour is still bullying, even if your child was not the one who started it.

What to Do: Step by Step

Step 1: Stay Calm

Your initial reaction sets the tone for everything that follows. If you react with rage, your child will become defensive and shut down. If you dismiss the concern, you teach them that their behaviour has no consequences. Aim for calm, serious, and engaged. 'I have heard something that concerns me, and I want to talk about it with you.'

Step 2: Listen to Your Child's Perspective

Ask open questions and listen to what your child says. 'Tell me what happened from your point of view.' 'How do you think the other person felt?' This is not about accepting excuses or justifications; it is about understanding what is driving the behaviour. You cannot address the root cause if you do not know what it is.

Be alert to minimising language: 'It was just a joke', 'Everyone does it', 'They started it.' These responses are common but they need to be challenged gently. 'Even if it was meant as a joke, the other person was hurt by it. That matters.'

Step 3: Name the Behaviour Clearly

Be specific about what your child did and why it is unacceptable. 'Calling someone names repeatedly is bullying.' 'Excluding someone from your group on purpose to hurt them is bullying.' 'Sharing that photo without their permission was harmful.' Use the word 'bullying' clearly. Children need to understand exactly what the behaviour is and what it is called.

Avoid labelling your child as 'a bully'. There is an important distinction between 'you are a bully' and 'what you did was bullying'. The first is an identity statement that a child may internalise. The second describes a behaviour that can be changed.

Step 4: Establish Consequences

Consequences should be proportionate, related to the behaviour, and educational rather than purely punitive. Grounding a child for a month does not teach them anything about empathy. More effective consequences might include writing a genuine apology letter, losing access to the platform where cyberbullying occurred, performing acts of service or kindness, and having screen time or social privileges temporarily reduced.

The most important consequence is the conversation itself. Making your child sit with the discomfort of confronting what they have done, understanding its impact, and being held accountable by someone they respect is often more powerful than any material punishment.

Step 5: Build Empathy Actively

Empathy can be taught and strengthened at any age. Ask your child to imagine how the other person feels: 'How do you think you would feel if someone did that to you?' Read or watch stories together that explore different perspectives. Encourage friendships with a diverse range of peers. Praise empathetic behaviour when you see it.

For younger children (ages 4 to 8), books and role-play are particularly effective. For older children and teenagers, discussions about real-world events, films, and the experiences of people different from themselves can build perspective-taking skills.

Step 6: Work With the School

Contact the school and engage constructively with their response. Ask what happened, what consequences have been applied at school, and what support is available. Schools that use restorative justice approaches may facilitate a conversation between your child and the person they bullied, which can be a powerful learning experience when handled well.

Do not undermine the school's response in front of your child. Even if you disagree with specific consequences, present a united front. Your child needs to see that the adults in their life take bullying seriously.

Addressing Cyberbullying Specifically

If your child has been cyberbullying, you need to address the digital dimension directly. Review their online activity together, not secretly, but openly. Discuss the permanence and reach of online content. Help them understand that a message sent in a moment of cruelty can follow someone for years.

If your child shared someone else's private images, this is particularly serious. Sharing intimate images of anyone under 18 is a criminal offence under the Protection of Children Act 1978, even between young people. Depending on your child's age, the police may become involved through the school's safeguarding processes. Take this seriously.

Consider whether a temporary removal of the device or platform is appropriate, but frame it as a consequence of misuse rather than as a general punishment. The goal is responsible digital citizenship, not fear of technology.

When Professional Help Is Needed

If your child's bullying behaviour is persistent, severe, or accompanied by other concerning signs such as aggression at home, cruelty to animals, fire-setting, or significant emotional disturbance, seek professional support. Your GP can refer to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). Educational psychologists accessed through the school can assess whether there are underlying issues contributing to the behaviour.

Family therapy can also be valuable, particularly if the bullying behaviour is connected to dynamics within the home. This is not about blame; it is about understanding the system in which your child is developing and making changes that support healthier behaviour.

Looking at Your Own Behaviour

This is uncomfortable but necessary. Consider whether there are patterns in your own behaviour that your child might be replicating. Do you speak disparagingly about others? Do you use aggression, sarcasm, or control to get your way? Do you model respectful conflict resolution? Children are extraordinarily perceptive observers, and they learn far more from what we do than from what we say.

This is not about self-flagellation. It is about honest reflection. If you identify behaviours in yourself that might be contributing, that is valuable information and an opportunity for change that benefits the whole family.

Moving Forward

Children who bully can change. With the right support, accountability, and guidance, most children who engage in bullying behaviour learn to treat others with respect and develop genuine empathy. Your role as a parent is to take the behaviour seriously, understand its roots, hold your child accountable, build their emotional skills, and model the behaviour you want to see.

If you are struggling and need support, Family Lives (0808 800 2222) offers a confidential helpline for parents. The NSPCC helpline (0808 800 5000) can advise on concerns about children's behaviour. Young Minds (youngminds.org.uk) has resources on children's emotional wellbeing. Kidscape (kidscape.org.uk) provides specific guidance for parents of children who bully.

Addressing your child's bullying behaviour is one of the hardest things a parent can do. It is also one of the most important. By taking it seriously now, you are not just protecting other children; you are giving your own child the chance to become someone they can be proud of.